a letter to my future daughter.

being back in America has presented a lot of challenges. a lot of new experiences. a lot of events that have changed my life. it's amazing how much 7 months has taught me. things i need to ensure to write down, remember, and retell.

specifically - i would like to write to my future daughter. since i feel like she will benefit more from these lessons than anyone else.

to my future-daughter,

how my heart longs for you to never struggle. how i wish i could just infuse you with the knowledge i have from all the hard ways i've had to learn. so you wouldn't have to go through all the bad. all the yucky. all the hard. all the heart break. all the mess ups and all the unrest.... i would love to rob you of all the negative. all experiences that take your sweet smile away. alas, i can not and of course will not rob you of these times. for it is in these times that we find out truth. life. faithfulness. hope. grace. and love. i would never want to rob you of the beauty that comes from pain, even though sometimes it seems to be unbearable pain.

grace. grace is a word that pops out with much sting. sting because i am a receiver of this but i have not earned it. to the extreme it has been poured out on me - i don't deserve this kind affection. although i try to be a pure reflection of God's grace. i fail. day in and day out. call it a thick skull. call it stubbornness. call it stupidity. call it human. whatever you choose, my darling, your mother is a sinner. i have failed in almost every way a person can fail in ones life. i have stolen, i have murdered, i have disobeyed - quite blatantly at times. i have fallen short. i have fallen greatly. as i write this - times are flooding back to my memory of when i have been selfish and inconsiderate - times when i lost track of the greater authority i have to answer to - times when my flesh over powered my spirit because i let the presence of the spirit become stifled by my desires. my lack of prayer. my lack of fear. my lack of love for a God that slathers me with grace. "if grace is an ocean - we're all sinking" and praise God there is no bottom. my first lesson from these past 7 months. is. grace. a grace so big. a grace so wide. a grace so high. a grace so thick. that nothing you or your mother can do - can ever take it away. and that my dear, is lesson number one.

love. i have had nothing but love poured on me these past 7 months. from all those who know or who don't know my deepest struggle. i have not felt one bit of hatred. because God has given me the opportunity to surround myself with people who love, because they were shown love. if i would have been in a different group of individuals when my sin was exposed - i would have felt a world of hatred. of darkness. of coldness. of abandonment. but because God has given me friends and family who love. they showed me love. love despite my sin. love despite my struggles. love despite my deceit. they loved me because that is what was flowing out of their hearts. choose your friends wisely my sweetheart. i am so glad i had who i did when i needed encouragement and love the most... a lot of worldly people would have ran away after saying something snide, most likely. but God blessed me with people who manifest His love. God has blessed us, little girl, with a family that with non-judging hearts open up their homes and their ears to listen, their mouths to advise. to reflect. to encourage. and to challenge. to not just accept the sin but to challenge your mother to move past the sin and turn it into a testimony. a family like this - is one to hold tight to. a family we can be real with. real with our struggles. real with our pains. real with our fears.  because our family - is one that loves. because He chose to love them. to love us. to love me. to love you.

faithfulness. why hasn't God left me? because He promised to never leave me. why hasn't He given up on me? because He promised to never forsake me. why does He love me still? because I am His daughter. God is faithful. if i could convey to you in layman's terms what that exactly means - He's stuck on us like white on rice. i see this characteristic in your grandma and grandpa - my parents. through everything... which has been a lot in my short 27 years of life... they have been so accessible. so supportive. so present. so active. i don't know why?! it does not benefit them at all to be so faithful to their daughter. most of the time - they don't even get recognition for all the times they are showing their faithfulness to their kids. it goes unseen. it goes unnoticed. it often times goes with not a word of thanks. much like our Father in heaven. true faithfulness. not done for the glamor of it all. but because i am their daughter. i pray i am as faithful to you and my parents and God are to me.

hope. despite all the ways i have found to screw things up - i still have this ridiculous amount of hope. hope in our future. hope in our growth. hope that it is just the beginning of our amazing life. i still have this feeling that God is going to use me, call me crazy, but me - a person who puts the 's' in sinner. a person who stumbles and falls daily. a person who literally would burn herself on the same flame over and over again - because of the amount of ignorance i have. if it wasn't for God. a Father who is changing me with each song of praise i hear on the radio. changing me with every verse i read and mediate on. changing me with every act of kindness i am shown by a sister or brother in Christ. changing me with each prayer time i spend with HIm. changing me. and for what i can only guess is to be used. used to show His love to others. used to retell my story, as embarrassing as it is. used to be a light because of the hope i hold. i challenge you sweet girl to never lose hope. i have lost hope. i have been in that dark area of life. and its lies. hope is real. and you are always able to call on that hope. to count on that God has a future for you. despite the past. the past is nothing but a platform for God to do amazing things. have hope. hope that God is a God of new beginnings. morning always comes little one... no matter how long night seems.

to my future daughter. life gets hard. harder when you choose to live in disobedience. my final lesson to you - is to know - no matter how much the world tells you it is worth it. sin is never worth it. but God has this amazing way of turning even our darkest hour into a beautiful life.

love always. your mother.


to those reading. that is my last 7 months. in a nutshell. a very wordy, lengthy nutshell. and why am i writing to a future daughter? well, because that what i believe i am having. i've done all the fun tricks you can do to find out prior to 20 weeks... and it keeps coming up girl. hah. so i'm going with that. due July 5th.

after lots of tears. repenting. forgiveness. and coming up with a new game plan - i'm finally getting excited. excited to see how God chooses to use my daughter (or son... if i'm wrong) and me in the future. i tried to marry quickly so that maybe i could "get away with it" but... when push comes to shove... i was miserable, trying to make right what only God can make right.

Romans 8:28. my life verse. one that sums up the love and hope and grace our Father readily gives us. "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

that's it. for now. there's more i'm sure. but i'm tired. and hungry. -_- g'night my dear friends. and family. brothers and sisters.