11.

11.

If you would have told me 11 months ago… how difficult this job was going to be… I would have giggled and said “nothing can be as difficult as Shui was…” I was wrong. I don’t know if it’s because I actually birthed her or because she is a girl or because I know I will never have to give her up… or simply because of the emotional roller coaster that went along with these 11 months… but these have been the hardest 11 months of my life.

Breastfeeding. Did not go as planned. I had my heart set on it… the hardest decision I made was to supplement with formula. I felt… like I was shorting Rea out of her health. I received one of those sample formula bottles that are sent to pregnant mom’s a couple weeks before their due dates… I said, “I won’t need this… I’ll put it in the back cabinet until I find someone to give it to”. I remember, so vividly, the night I gave her her first one. Travis and I were at our wits’ end. She wasn’t latching on properly… no matter how hard I tried… I was in pain, in tears, she was in tears and hungry, Travis was frustrated and worried for the both of us… so, we gave her a bottle. She fell asleep. Travis found relief. I felt like hell. I guess it was my inability to reason because of the emotions or whatever…  but I felt like “well, if she isn’t going to breastfeed, then why am I here?” Failed. I failed at breast-feeding… BUT I have a healthy baby and that's what matters in the end. Thank you Baby’s Only Organic Formula for making up what I couldn’t give… no matter how many attempts I made. Thank you women who donated milk… giving my little girl as much “gold” as they could.

You would think this sorrow of not being able to breastfeed would be gone by now… it’s not. 11 months I’ve been walking around hating the fact that I didn’t exclusively breastfeed. Jealous of those who have and are… I’ve never felt the desire to whip my boob out in public so strongly as I have these past 11 months. I mean… I’ve had it… but just not as strong. hah. I can’t wait for a 2^nd chance at that… or well 3^rd chance. Long story. I won’t get into it. But it will be a 3^rd chance.

[I just deleted like five sections about her daily habits… you’re welcome]

I’ve been back in the “basepartment” for over a year now. It’s been hard. I won’t lie. I love my parents… and I love Shuiman. But there are days where I can’t wait to have a place for Reagan and me to move and live. A place where we won’t feel like we are in the way or a place we won’t feel crowded… and then days like today happen… where I am so utterly grateful for the love and support and cuddles and stories and face-time with grumps… that even if I wasn’t in the situation I am in… I would want to be here. With these people. Letting my daughter grow up in an environment with so much love.

My parents have given me every opportunity to excel in school, excel in my job, and to excel as a single mom. They give me a break when I need one, they give me ears that listen to my processing, and ideas when I am at a loss. They give me nothing but support. They challenge me. They model for me what I am striving for: a home not full of stuff (although we have a good amount of it…) but of love. Love for God, first. Love for one another. And love for those around us. Love. Love so great… that they are willing to open up their home to a 28 year old and her daughter. To transform the basement to being more like an apartment. To give us time to do our laundry (and my us… I mean me… Reagan hates laundry). To give me half the garage through the winter (no matter how many times I hit the side of the garage wall with my mirror) to keep Reagan warm. To giving us room in the refrigerator and pantry. Love.

In these past 11 months… Reagan has been my world. It is hard to not be totally consumed by her… I forgot God. //GASP// Amber admitted she forgot God. Yes, I forget Him daily. I forget to pray. I forget to do devotions. Heck, I forget to turn off the Pitch Perfect Soundtrack and turn on some Hillsong. I forget the One who has given me everything. In the past 11 months… I have grown so strong in my faith but my Him growing me. Not me seeking. I’m either too tired to seek. Too angry to seek. Too distracted to seek. Or too lazy. He has pursued me throughout these 11 months. Showing me through people's words, Facebook posts, texts, answered prayers that I didn’t even pray yet, and so many other avenues. I have forgotten God so many times these 11 months… but He has not forgotten me, not even for a second. He is faithful… in a world of unfaithfulness, in a world of MY unfaithfulness.

These past 11 months my heart has been so full… yet so broken. It’s a weird paradox I found myself in… I don’t want to use Reagan as a Band-Aid. She is not. Her job is not to make me happy, to make me feel whole, or to make everything better. She does not have that responsibility. She does give me joy, sure. She does make all the heart break worth it, absolutely. Now that I have her in my life… she does fill some gaps or desires that were in me… like the desire to be a mom. But it is not her duty. The broken part of my heart is for God to fix.. to fill.. to replace.. to sustain.

Travis and I have had a really hard 11 months. It started out well. He was great in the hospital. Stayed with us for like two weeks after she was born. Was down spending time with us a lot… until month three. And then it has be scarce since Madden, his son, was born in November. I don’t understand a lot of why he says or does the things he does… and he’s hard on me… really hard. Our situation bites. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I probably spend more time than I need to thinking about how it got so bad and how to make it better. I probably shed more tears than I need to as well… I get angry. I get upset. I overthink. I give him way too much ammo. Not really sure where I’m going with this… but I know these past 11 months have been the hardest because this is the hardest “relationship” I’ve had to maintain. “But Amber, you aren’t engaged to him anymore… just move on!” I have heard this more times than I would like… I wish I could move on. I wish I didn’t have to deal with his ridiculousness or his hot and cold personality… but I do. The girl sleeping in the other room… is half of him. I can’t take credit for all her good looks and funny personality! We are fighting all the time, I am receiving insults all the time, having to block him and his wife, yes he is married, AND his parents to get space…. How do I get there to being okay with him? Okay with him taking Reagan. Okay with him being her father. Okay with seeing him and having to talk to him. Having to interact with his wife.  Having to see Madden and having everyone say how much Reagan looks like him (which makes me so angry because SHE doesn’t look like HIM, HE looks like HER… she is 4 months older!!! Anyway… now that that’s off my chest). So, if anyone has any advice. I am so open. But if you say “just move on” or “you’re better off without him”… I will have to send you a mean glance. It just isn't helpful at this point. 

Enough about him. I wish I could tell you all the details of what happened. You can probably piece it together… and then you would only have maybe 20% of the story… there is so much. Too much. Jerry Springer would have a hay day. It’s one of those things… where sometimes I sit back and question “did all of that stuff really happen?!”… it did. And I foolishly tried to make it work… three times. I chuckle now at my own niave and foolish (there is no better word for it) ways. All those people who told me to walk away. I held on. For dear life. Until the day I officially became a single mom. Until November 11^th. Then I let go. And it hasn’t been the easiest thing… letting go… in some ways I’m still letting go. But… it was the wisest thing. The healthiest thing. And the right thing. Thank you friends who have to listen to me process through the whole thing…

So, what you need to know about Reagan… she started crawling May 29^th. A late bloomer in that area… but little giants tend to not be as mobile as the smaller, petite baby. She loves being with people. She has almost no ability to be by herself. She laughs. She has a graspy voice. She always has mucus. “Sometimes I think you were born with a runny nose” (ten points if you can name what movie that is from)… she is wearing 18 – 24 month clothes. She LOVES being outside.  When you say “awww” she instantly snuggles whatever she has in her hands. She makes a bull face. She is starting to mimic sounds. She loves cheerios. Strawberries. Lima beans. Apple sauce. And is just now starting to show signs of maybe getting the hang of a sippy cup. Her best friend is Aubrey Rom. She is blessed. Blessed that her single mom is not as single as some other moms… I have a great support system. Blessed by an adorable room her grandpa made her… blessed by clothes. Blessed by food. Blessed by health insurance. Blessed by a God… who doesn’t care she is still just take take taking … He gives gives gives her all she needs… and then some.

Phew. What an entry. If you read all of that… virtual high five.

And I leave with this…

“Every good and perfect gift is from above; it comes down from the Father of all light, in Whom there can be no variation or shadow cast by His turning/changing” James 1:17

To my good and perfect gift, Reagan Marie, our Father God does not change. With the magnitude of love He has showered on us these last 11 months… He will continue to shower for 11 more… and then 11 more… and then 11 more… and so on… for the rest of eternity.

My love for you is so unreal… I can’t even count how many times a day I feel my heart on the verge of exploding with joy and love for you… He loves you even more, daughter. It’s hard to understand that… for you… and for me. I want to think that I am the one that loves you most… but I know that God loves you even more. wow. Takes my breath away. 

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow;

Praise Him, all creatures here below;

Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts;

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Amen.

Oceans

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

Oh this song, this song would send me into such bitterness. Anger. Discontentment. I would change the station anytime this song came on… like it reminded me of an ex or something. In a way, it did. My ex-life. When this song came on… it reminded me that I am not going anywhere. I am staying in Ohio for God knows how long… I am not being called out across the oceans anymore. I am not called out deeper than my feet could ever wander. This song reminded me. I am in America. I am in Monroe – I am in suburbia. I live in a place where English is everywhere (grant it, it is not used properly 50% of the time). I am where I grew up. I live at my parents’ home. And this doesn’t look like it will change anytime soon. (Mom & Dad – I love how homey and separate the basement is… and LOVE that my daughter is growing up with you two so close… Thank you… a million times, thank you but you both know how silly I sometimes feel being here… again.)

And then… as I was driving a couple weeks ago – this song came on… I made myself listen. I made myself turn up the song. I made myself face it. Deal with it. “Shut up, Amber, and be happy for those traveling and those in far away, exciting places - showing God wherever they are called”.

But this song is my life. Right now. No, there is no ocean. There is no “mystery” in the land that I’m living in. But my life… has no borders. Border is defined as the part or edge of a surface or area that forms its outer boundary. Borders are comfortable. Borders tell a person what is in and what is out, what is acceptable and what is not, what is expected and what is not, what is normal and what is not. Having a life with borders requires very little questioning, very little concern, very little skepticism, very little worry, and very little doubt. You know your boundaries. You know your borders.

Let me preface this next section with this: I do NOT want pity. I am not looking for an  “atta girl” or an “awww… I’m always here for you, girl.” I am being honest because I believe there is growth to be had in my life and in yours… and that will only happen if I put out there what God is teaching me, right now, in my life. NO PITY. Okay, now that that is said.

Being a mom is hard. Each child is different… yes; there are general borders that are known. Like, don’t give your kid a chicken wing when they’re 5 days old… things like that. BUT there are a lot of things that didn’t come in the “manual”. A lot of impromptu situations that need to be dealt with when they arise… sometimes good but most of the time not so good. Being a mom to babies. Toddlers. Kids. Teens. Parenting, in general, has no borders.

Being a mom but not a wife. Having to deal with my child’s dad and his family. Has no border. There is no book called “How to make the relationship between your ex, his wife, his son, and his parents perfect and enjoyable”. There are no borders here because quite frankly – this situation should not have happened. Reagan is a direct blessing from God… I have never and will never wish her life away… but her life was premature in the sense that I got pregnant before I was married. It was backwards. And ended up with me being a single mom, to God’s glory not my demise. (Remember… no pity… not fishing for anything). Single parenting… has no borders. There may be guidelines. And praise God for my family and my good friends and their advice. But no, there are no borders here.

Working part time – no borders. I feel like I’m a working mom but I’m not, in the same breath. I feel INCREDIBLY blessed to only have to work part time and the job I have is PERFECT for me. I am so grateful… but I don’t really rub elbows with the working moms or the stay at home moms. I’m both. It’s exhausting.

School. Getting a Master’s and having a baby… those of who you do this as like a “thing” – well, kudos. There are no borders here. There are textbooks, bottles, pens, and diapers… all over the couch and all mixed together. I am bouncing my baby while participating in an online seminar. It’s juggling. (Thankfully, my parents make the juggle a lot A LOT easier)

Finding a church. Praise the Lord I have found a community of believers… but the search was hard. And a woman in my situation does not feel comfortable just anywhere… there were some very uncomfortable, border-lacking moments. But this… this has remedied.

God. I am borderless. But I trust you. Thank you for bringing me to a point where I don’t need borders… I only need You. Your safety. Your promises. Your ever present love and peace. I am grateful for my borderless life. I am learning that with no borders… I am relying. Relying on God and what He has given me… namely, my friends and my family. Blessings. You all are blessings.

I hope this didn’t come off whiney. I hope you all saw my heart. I pray you all find a life without borders… there is where God shows you His true self. A person who you can trust, love, and know… you can be still. He is God.  

a letter to my future daughter.

being back in America has presented a lot of challenges. a lot of new experiences. a lot of events that have changed my life. it's amazing how much 7 months has taught me. things i need to ensure to write down, remember, and retell.

specifically - i would like to write to my future daughter. since i feel like she will benefit more from these lessons than anyone else.

to my future-daughter,

how my heart longs for you to never struggle. how i wish i could just infuse you with the knowledge i have from all the hard ways i've had to learn. so you wouldn't have to go through all the bad. all the yucky. all the hard. all the heart break. all the mess ups and all the unrest.... i would love to rob you of all the negative. all experiences that take your sweet smile away. alas, i can not and of course will not rob you of these times. for it is in these times that we find out truth. life. faithfulness. hope. grace. and love. i would never want to rob you of the beauty that comes from pain, even though sometimes it seems to be unbearable pain.

grace. grace is a word that pops out with much sting. sting because i am a receiver of this but i have not earned it. to the extreme it has been poured out on me - i don't deserve this kind affection. although i try to be a pure reflection of God's grace. i fail. day in and day out. call it a thick skull. call it stubbornness. call it stupidity. call it human. whatever you choose, my darling, your mother is a sinner. i have failed in almost every way a person can fail in ones life. i have stolen, i have murdered, i have disobeyed - quite blatantly at times. i have fallen short. i have fallen greatly. as i write this - times are flooding back to my memory of when i have been selfish and inconsiderate - times when i lost track of the greater authority i have to answer to - times when my flesh over powered my spirit because i let the presence of the spirit become stifled by my desires. my lack of prayer. my lack of fear. my lack of love for a God that slathers me with grace. "if grace is an ocean - we're all sinking" and praise God there is no bottom. my first lesson from these past 7 months. is. grace. a grace so big. a grace so wide. a grace so high. a grace so thick. that nothing you or your mother can do - can ever take it away. and that my dear, is lesson number one.

love. i have had nothing but love poured on me these past 7 months. from all those who know or who don't know my deepest struggle. i have not felt one bit of hatred. because God has given me the opportunity to surround myself with people who love, because they were shown love. if i would have been in a different group of individuals when my sin was exposed - i would have felt a world of hatred. of darkness. of coldness. of abandonment. but because God has given me friends and family who love. they showed me love. love despite my sin. love despite my struggles. love despite my deceit. they loved me because that is what was flowing out of their hearts. choose your friends wisely my sweetheart. i am so glad i had who i did when i needed encouragement and love the most... a lot of worldly people would have ran away after saying something snide, most likely. but God blessed me with people who manifest His love. God has blessed us, little girl, with a family that with non-judging hearts open up their homes and their ears to listen, their mouths to advise. to reflect. to encourage. and to challenge. to not just accept the sin but to challenge your mother to move past the sin and turn it into a testimony. a family like this - is one to hold tight to. a family we can be real with. real with our struggles. real with our pains. real with our fears.  because our family - is one that loves. because He chose to love them. to love us. to love me. to love you.

faithfulness. why hasn't God left me? because He promised to never leave me. why hasn't He given up on me? because He promised to never forsake me. why does He love me still? because I am His daughter. God is faithful. if i could convey to you in layman's terms what that exactly means - He's stuck on us like white on rice. i see this characteristic in your grandma and grandpa - my parents. through everything... which has been a lot in my short 27 years of life... they have been so accessible. so supportive. so present. so active. i don't know why?! it does not benefit them at all to be so faithful to their daughter. most of the time - they don't even get recognition for all the times they are showing their faithfulness to their kids. it goes unseen. it goes unnoticed. it often times goes with not a word of thanks. much like our Father in heaven. true faithfulness. not done for the glamor of it all. but because i am their daughter. i pray i am as faithful to you and my parents and God are to me.

hope. despite all the ways i have found to screw things up - i still have this ridiculous amount of hope. hope in our future. hope in our growth. hope that it is just the beginning of our amazing life. i still have this feeling that God is going to use me, call me crazy, but me - a person who puts the 's' in sinner. a person who stumbles and falls daily. a person who literally would burn herself on the same flame over and over again - because of the amount of ignorance i have. if it wasn't for God. a Father who is changing me with each song of praise i hear on the radio. changing me with every verse i read and mediate on. changing me with every act of kindness i am shown by a sister or brother in Christ. changing me with each prayer time i spend with HIm. changing me. and for what i can only guess is to be used. used to show His love to others. used to retell my story, as embarrassing as it is. used to be a light because of the hope i hold. i challenge you sweet girl to never lose hope. i have lost hope. i have been in that dark area of life. and its lies. hope is real. and you are always able to call on that hope. to count on that God has a future for you. despite the past. the past is nothing but a platform for God to do amazing things. have hope. hope that God is a God of new beginnings. morning always comes little one... no matter how long night seems.

to my future daughter. life gets hard. harder when you choose to live in disobedience. my final lesson to you - is to know - no matter how much the world tells you it is worth it. sin is never worth it. but God has this amazing way of turning even our darkest hour into a beautiful life.

love always. your mother.


to those reading. that is my last 7 months. in a nutshell. a very wordy, lengthy nutshell. and why am i writing to a future daughter? well, because that what i believe i am having. i've done all the fun tricks you can do to find out prior to 20 weeks... and it keeps coming up girl. hah. so i'm going with that. due July 5th.

after lots of tears. repenting. forgiveness. and coming up with a new game plan - i'm finally getting excited. excited to see how God chooses to use my daughter (or son... if i'm wrong) and me in the future. i tried to marry quickly so that maybe i could "get away with it" but... when push comes to shove... i was miserable, trying to make right what only God can make right.

Romans 8:28. my life verse. one that sums up the love and hope and grace our Father readily gives us. "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

that's it. for now. there's more i'm sure. but i'm tired. and hungry. -_- g'night my dear friends. and family. brothers and sisters.

Good things He has done... Greater things He will do...

Wow. I can’t believe IMT (Indian “M” Trip) is over. Months of planning. Months of praying. Months of preparation. And it’s done. Just like that.

First off, let me start this by saying the sincerest of thanks to all those who helped get me to India. Through giving and praying and encouraging I went- let me just say a heartfelt thank you. I know I couldn’t have made it there without you... or have persevered there without knowing you all were supporting me. I am humbled by your graciousness towards the team and me.

Before I get into the details of the trip - let me preface by saying... God is good. I was a nervous wreck about this trip since the day the head elder asked me to go one Friday night after FEE (a study I attend). Not so much nervous about SYICF (the church) going but nervous about me going. Returning to India was something I thought I’d never do - the trip in 2011 cured me of any desire to go to India (or so I thought). I walked off the plane and into my friend’s arms in 2011 declaring that I will never go back - I was scared to go back - India didn’t like me and I wasn’t too doting towards India either. Oh how my boss was right... he said on the way home that summer day in 2011... that time will heal and I will want to go back. He was right. A year and a half later... a very scared, nervous, blonde girl was headed back to India in hopes to not die but in hopes to serve effectively there - to live abundantly. God is good.

We get into India. I will skip the planning stages because I still can’t quite talk about that without getting frustrated, flustered, and exhausted - hah - all you need to know about that is... God provides in amazing ways. And a huge thanks for the people of both cities for their planning skills! The trip was great - and I believe a great success!

So, we arrive. We take a jeep to the YMCA in Vishakpatnam - and my eyes just started to well up. I was overwhelmed with the smells, the sights, the people, the environment, and the heat. All of a sudden... I was recalling the last trip in the most vivid of ways. Thank God for a good friend and co-leader who took me into her arms and with understanding words comforted me.

It wasn’t a long resting period before we were whisked off to one of the churches to attend service... we walked in and all eyes were on us. At that service we were asked to conduct another service that evening - the Pastor on the team spoke and the rest of us go to sing and pray with the people. This starts our two weeks of ministry. After some cultural training and relaxing... for one day... the teams split up. My team (the E team) moved to Srikakulam.  In this city - we visited lots of villages and orphanages and schools and ministered a lot to the people of that city. The whole team felt the might of God in that city... declaring it as a city on fire for the King of kings... we know this city will be instrumental in the movement of God in India. The pastors we met there - amazing. I loved hearing what they had to say about their work there... I was so blessed hearing their stories and getting to encourage them. Srikakulam was a hard city to leave. I fell in love with the women of this city... I fell in love with the feel of the city... and I felt a deep connection to the work taking place in that city. But, alas, the Father put in the leaders’ heart to have the teams switch cities mid-trip whilst in the planning period - so I knew God had a reason for us to switch. In Vizag, we got to do some amazing things there as well. We participated in a lot of church services, children programs, working with more orphans, and outreach to villages. There is just too much that happened the last two weeks to go into detail about each specific thing - just know that God moved mightily and His plan for the E team was amazing. I am humbled and honored to have been apart of it.

Now, I want to focus more on God’s movement in those cities or India in general.  I also want to hit on God’s movement in my heart as well. This is where we’ll camp for right now.

God’s movement in India.

Isaiah 30:21-22 says, “Your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it”, wherever you turn to the right or the left. And you will defile your graven images overlaid with silver and your molten images plated with gold. You will scatter them as an impure thing, and say to them, “Be gone!”

This is what God is doing in India. He is tearing down the idols of the land. He is raising Himself higher than those idols in the hearts of the men and women and youth of India. Amen.

The youth will be a huge part of the movement. I met so many young men and women who are passionate about their country coming to the saving knowledge of God... so many of the youth have witnessed the amazing movements of God and are on fire for Him. Pray they continue to be on fire for the One who saved them. We pray that their hearts are protected from the wicked ways of the world and they don’t battle insecurities because of their age or because they are different than the majority of the young people in India. Pray they are strengthened, cultivated, and matured in the faith. Pray for discipleship.

Hosea 14:9 “Give them, O Lord - what will you give? Give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts.”

I know this is an odd reference -- but it’s speaking of the ideas, idols, and fallacies that are in this land. Our prayer is that those false religions or evilness that the land is pregnant with are miscarried or die off. We pray that there is no nourishment for those fallacies or ideas...  but that the Word of God and the relationships with Him and Indians is what is flourishing or growing in the land.

Malachi 4:1 “For behold, the day is coming, burning like an oven, when all the arrogant and all evildoers will be stubble. The day that is coming shall set them ablaze, says the Lord of hosts, so that it will leave them neither root nor branch. But for you who fear my name, the sun of righteousness shall rise with healing in its wings. You shall go out leaping like calves from the stall.”

This is what God is doing in India - healing the people. There was a strong feeling in my heart when praying with the women of these two cities that there is a lot of pain. There is a lot of hurt. There is a lot of guilt and shame. There is a lot in their past This was confirmed when a brother in Christ clarified that the women of India feel like they need to beat themselves up internally to feel like they can have a relationship with God or be in His presence. Other religions do this - people having to do rituals or actions to make themselves “worthy” for their gods. But the true God isn’t like that. He is merciful. And everyday those mercies are renewed. We don’t deserve it... we just benefit from it.

Psalm 3:3 “But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.”

God is showing the women of India that He is the lifter of their heads. That He wants to heal their hearts and for them to find joy in His presence... not despair or guilt or shame. I have personally been there. I have beat myself up for years over my past failures and mistakes --- it wasn’t until I realized just how loving, powerful, merciful, and graceful God is that I was able to accept His forgiveness and accept His “lifting of my head”. My prayer for these women is restoration and reconciliation. My prayer for these women is for healing.

God is moving mightily in India. He showed me that it is going to be a quick overtaking of the land. That when He falls on India - it’s going to be like a contagious fire. He is going to sweep over the land - and India will be the platform for a revival in the entire world.

Praise God.

What is God doing in my heart since this trip? Well - this trip was a game changer. I am not sure to what extent yet - but I am just going to be honest. That same boss that told me that I will return to India... has also recently stated that I will be moving to India... and again, I say, he’s right. I hope to visit India one more time in July and that will be an exploration trip. A trip to help me figure out what it will take for me to move to India. What will I do? How will I live? When will I go? Etc. Wow. Writing it out... is heavy.

God is good.

I was planning on staying in China for three more years... and getting my counseling degree. Well, God has seemed to pause that plan because none of the universities are getting back to me... and I’ve gotten to the point where I think this degree is going to be put on hold. I love China. I love living here. But I believe living here for five years... was giving me the confidence, adaptability, flexibility, and skills I will need when moving to the “next thing”. I pray that I talk to the right people and get plugged in quickly to right things... my future ministry.

Back in October I went to a retreat in Dan Dong, China. This is a portion of what I wrote after that weekend...

During the prayer time following Reynolds’ session there was chaos

around me of the Holy Spirit moving - I was getting frustrated. I

was so upset. I am sure it looked like the spirit was moving in me

but really I was just crying out to God asking “Why not me?

Why not now? Why not??????” hah. And then He told me

“Amber, you want to be like the seed planted in shallow ground.

You want to grow fast but when you do that... you will die quickly.

I need our relationship to be rooted in you so deep. I need it to

be so solid because the next chapter of your life is going to be

tough. And I need us to be deep, thick, higher, stronger, and more

in love than ever because you’re going to need me because of this

next chapter.” Ummm... okay? While processing this with Heather,

who was so encouraging and shared with me that God did the

same thing with her in waiting to meet with her until after a

conference, I realized. I am moving to India or a place just as

hard or even harder than India. 

China is preparation. The things I have encountered here. The

SYICF family, the trips to India, the Master’s in counseling, and the

School of Ministry (more on this later)... are all preparation for

saving orphans, working with girls, and discipling believers in my

upcoming new chapter. 

When I got home, I found my roommate making humus and

setting the table for us to process through my week. She affirmed everything. She said she sees me being the next Amy Carmichael

in India and that one-day she’ll come do a short-term trip with me

and take one of the babies I will rescue. Irina, my best friend, was

just as supportive and has been ever since I started this journey

to move from glory to glory.

So... this trip was a game changer for me. I will now be actively praying about my future in India and invite you to do this on my behalf as well.

What else has God done in my life concerning this trip? Well, I don’t think I’ve ever been this spiritually drained in my life. Which is rough but probably one of the best feelings I’ve ever felt. It’s kind of like... if you love someone but you don’t really know if you do until they are gone... and then you hurt. And then you realize that you actually do love them... a lot. Being spiritually worn out has solidified and is a testament to the fact that the Spirit dwells within me. When I was drained - that was confirmation for me that the Spirit is big in me. He is strong in me. He such a huge part of who I am... that when I was drained of Him... it hurt. I took for granted the Spirit in me but now, I am so thankful for what dwells in me. It is powerful. Recharging myself... was important... probably the most important thing I needed to do all trip.

I prayed for so many people. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and listened to the Spirit’s leading in my prayers... praying with passion, with insight, with the Helper and the Healer... I can honestly say... I prayed my little heart out. I know one needs to build stamina to be able to pray for as long and as often as we did but I enjoyed seeing how God would give strength to His weakened servants... and come through for us. I think my team and I can honestly say --- it was not by our might at all... but by the power of the Lord. People were healed, hearts are being restored, children encouraged, and people found God.

Now, let’s talk about the testament that the team has concerning the safety and health of the team. What an amazing blessing! No one was sick. No one was harmed. No one was even worried about it because Jesus said, “Do not be afraid, but go on speaking and do not be silent, for I am with you, and no one will attack you to harm you, for I have many in this city who are my people.” (Acts 18:9-10). God provided so many people to watch out for us, pray for us, guide us, translate for us, protect us, etc. Not a moment in the trip did I feel unsafe because I knew God had His people in those cities. I also knew I had some very strong African men watching over me. I walked with confidence knowing that God was taking care of me.

God is powerful.

What is heavy on my heart?! That I haven’t done what I was suppose to do in China. That I haven’t fully taken advantage of the fact that I have lived in China for 4 years now and haven’t done anything. I am fighting these feelings knowing that God has in fact done a good work in me. That He has allowed me to teach. He has allowed me to foster. He has allowed me to learn so much in SYICF. He has allowed me to connect with some powerful women of God. He has given me two amazing roommates who have challenged me in so many ways. That He has given me life long friends. That He has allowed me to find Shui. That He, even if I fail to remember all the times, has blessed me beyond all measure. So a personal prayer request: pray that God reveals to me all the reasons why I was here for so long, what He did in me and through me while I was here, and that my time here was not in vain.

What else?!

I would like to inform you of some of the highlights for me, personally, on the trip.

• ·    Teaching some deaf children how to play Uno at the Special Needs orphanage.
• ·      Village Outreaches: Being paraded around to gather a crowd and then to sing/minister to them... as well as the progression in each village of the kids. At first they’d be super shy but by the end of the village trip they wouldn’t let go of us.
• ·      The times of prayer over believers... the healing power of His spirit.
• ·      Teaching over 500 Indian kids the Chicken Dance.
• ·      Meeting Samuel and hearing his story.
• ·      Going to a home for delinquent boys.
• ·      The Valentines’ Day drive to the village (my team knows what I mean)
• ·      The unity amongst the team

Some of the hardships?

• ·      Meeting Samuel and hearing his story
• ·      One of the worship leaders losing her voice which forced me to sing more than I thought I would need to...
• ·      Spiritually worn-out
• ·      Late bedtimes and early mornings
• ·      Getting out of my comfort zone...
• ·      Building confidence in myself as a daughter of the King (yes, a positive thing but boy was it hard...)
• ·      Conflicts with team members on the trip
• ·      Language barriers
• ·      The heat

Again, I want to say thank you for all of your encouragement and support. I covet your prayers. Prayers for guidance and clarity. Also, praise God with me for a successful, good, fruitful trip.

My Lord is sweet.