Oceans

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

Oh this song, this song would send me into such bitterness. Anger. Discontentment. I would change the station anytime this song came on… like it reminded me of an ex or something. In a way, it did. My ex-life. When this song came on… it reminded me that I am not going anywhere. I am staying in Ohio for God knows how long… I am not being called out across the oceans anymore. I am not called out deeper than my feet could ever wander. This song reminded me. I am in America. I am in Monroe – I am in suburbia. I live in a place where English is everywhere (grant it, it is not used properly 50% of the time). I am where I grew up. I live at my parents’ home. And this doesn’t look like it will change anytime soon. (Mom & Dad – I love how homey and separate the basement is… and LOVE that my daughter is growing up with you two so close… Thank you… a million times, thank you but you both know how silly I sometimes feel being here… again.)

And then… as I was driving a couple weeks ago – this song came on… I made myself listen. I made myself turn up the song. I made myself face it. Deal with it. “Shut up, Amber, and be happy for those traveling and those in far away, exciting places - showing God wherever they are called”.

But this song is my life. Right now. No, there is no ocean. There is no “mystery” in the land that I’m living in. But my life… has no borders. Border is defined as the part or edge of a surface or area that forms its outer boundary. Borders are comfortable. Borders tell a person what is in and what is out, what is acceptable and what is not, what is expected and what is not, what is normal and what is not. Having a life with borders requires very little questioning, very little concern, very little skepticism, very little worry, and very little doubt. You know your boundaries. You know your borders.

Let me preface this next section with this: I do NOT want pity. I am not looking for an  “atta girl” or an “awww… I’m always here for you, girl.” I am being honest because I believe there is growth to be had in my life and in yours… and that will only happen if I put out there what God is teaching me, right now, in my life. NO PITY. Okay, now that that is said.

Being a mom is hard. Each child is different… yes; there are general borders that are known. Like, don’t give your kid a chicken wing when they’re 5 days old… things like that. BUT there are a lot of things that didn’t come in the “manual”. A lot of impromptu situations that need to be dealt with when they arise… sometimes good but most of the time not so good. Being a mom to babies. Toddlers. Kids. Teens. Parenting, in general, has no borders.

Being a mom but not a wife. Having to deal with my child’s dad and his family. Has no border. There is no book called “How to make the relationship between your ex, his wife, his son, and his parents perfect and enjoyable”. There are no borders here because quite frankly – this situation should not have happened. Reagan is a direct blessing from God… I have never and will never wish her life away… but her life was premature in the sense that I got pregnant before I was married. It was backwards. And ended up with me being a single mom, to God’s glory not my demise. (Remember… no pity… not fishing for anything). Single parenting… has no borders. There may be guidelines. And praise God for my family and my good friends and their advice. But no, there are no borders here.

Working part time – no borders. I feel like I’m a working mom but I’m not, in the same breath. I feel INCREDIBLY blessed to only have to work part time and the job I have is PERFECT for me. I am so grateful… but I don’t really rub elbows with the working moms or the stay at home moms. I’m both. It’s exhausting.

School. Getting a Master’s and having a baby… those of who you do this as like a “thing” – well, kudos. There are no borders here. There are textbooks, bottles, pens, and diapers… all over the couch and all mixed together. I am bouncing my baby while participating in an online seminar. It’s juggling. (Thankfully, my parents make the juggle a lot A LOT easier)

Finding a church. Praise the Lord I have found a community of believers… but the search was hard. And a woman in my situation does not feel comfortable just anywhere… there were some very uncomfortable, border-lacking moments. But this… this has remedied.

God. I am borderless. But I trust you. Thank you for bringing me to a point where I don’t need borders… I only need You. Your safety. Your promises. Your ever present love and peace. I am grateful for my borderless life. I am learning that with no borders… I am relying. Relying on God and what He has given me… namely, my friends and my family. Blessings. You all are blessings.

I hope this didn’t come off whiney. I hope you all saw my heart. I pray you all find a life without borders… there is where God shows you His true self. A person who you can trust, love, and know… you can be still. He is God.